Concave for Life

This summer I was hired to “review” New York City’s famed SEX AND THE CITY bus tour, which hauls two dozen cooing women, many wearing at least one sequin or bedazzled flower, past SATC hot spots like Jimmy Choo, the bar Aiden owns and…the sex toy shop. 

Throughout the ride, chicks shout out whether they’re a Miranda or Charlotte, what the greatest offenses of Mr. Big’s courtship were, and whether Samantha is a slut or a liberated woman.

WTF.

I knew I’d need a serious wingman—like rocker-turned-Staten-Island mom Phyllis, whose sense of humor is as unyielding as the row of rings she wears like brass knuckles. She showed up with a pink vintage Barbie lunch box with a screw thermos full of vodka & cranberry juice. Say no more.

The stop at The Pleasure Chest was a high point for the hen house…except the two cynical hens smelling faintly of cintron infusion and cheap juice. While others purchased vibrating sex toys in the shapes of barnyard aninmals, we did the only thing we could. 

Concave.

Ricky Martin? Oh yeah. He’s down with the concave too. And really, really good at it. Love and light, concavers. Love and light. 

(PS: The busty blonde? Not an international Latin superstar. Rather, a New Orleans round-voiced chanteuse superstar. Her name is Debbie Davis and her music is here.)

Livin’ La Vida Concave, Ricky Martin (w/Debbie Davis and Kimberly Kaye), The Marquee Theater, New York, July 2012

Yesterday, July 9th, was Argentina’s Independence Day. (Not to be confused with THIS.)

Without access to current Argentine president Cristina Fernandez, we went for the next best thing: Current Pretend-President of Argentina Michael Cerveris. Tony Award-winner Cerveris is presently starring as Juan Peron in the Broadway revival of Evita, alongside real Argentine goddess Elena Roger (Eva) and real genetic lottery winner Ricky Martin (Che).

Cerveris is an authoritative concaver. With a really nice dressing room.

Feliz Día de la Independencia, amigos míos.

Argentine Independence Concave, Michael Cerveris and Kimberly Kaye, Broadway (New York), New York, July 2012.

The guy to the far right is fucking awesome. Everything. Every fucking thing about him—awesome.

Anyway, this concave feels right because the weekend is upon us, and because nothing is more anti-office than a pair of rumpled overalls.

It comes from Maggie Levin, care of a recent “overalls party” thrown to wish a friend (“Arae, the girl on the far right, wearing the baggy stripey number”) a safe return to her Canadian motherland. Oh, Concavia.

Hillbilly Concave, Magie Levin and Co., Hollywood, CA, June, 2012.

Back from holiday break. Came home to a 4th of July crustacean concave:

This is Billy. That is a lobster. This is Billy, concaving with a lobster. If you look closely, you’ll see the lobster is concaving as well. God bless America.

Crustacean Concave, Billy Potvin, Avon-by-the-Sea, NJ, July 4, 2012.

This is Jacob. This is Jacob’s cat. This is Jacob concaving with his cat in the backyard he and his husband use to make other city-dwellers question their real estate decisions. Jacob departs this backyard on Monday for a summer stint in the Andrew Lloyd Webber virus “Cats” in Colorado. Godspeed, Jacob. We hope there are jellicle concaves on the horizon.

Cat Concave, Jacob Thompson, New York, NY, June 2, 2012.

NOTE: The media has widely speculated that Jacob’s abs are actually a surgically implanted tin washboard with twelve central silicone modifications near the surface. We can neither confirm nor deny these claims.

Yesterday, I asked concavers to join hinger Kayleigh in bringing the pose to the workplace—think of it as instating your own personal Bring Your Concave to Work Day. (Fact: Concaving while on the clock takes the sting out of subordination.)

This is Jared Weiss. Jared was one of the first to respond to the call for job poses. He pulled this concave into the office of his soul-crushing job at a local construction company and excecuted it during business hours. When not sublimating his professional rage, Jared Weiss can be found singing extremely well in clubs and bars, songwriting in Brooklyn and practicing the art of both the concave and convex.

We hope his boss finds this post.

Workplace Concave, Jared Weiss, New York, New York, June 21, 2012.

This is a reader submission from dedicated hinger Kaleigh. According the report submitted with this photo, Kaleigh shirked her Cinderella-portraying duties long enough to ride a concave at an unsuspecting child’s birthday party on June 16, 2012.

An accomplice snapped this photo. Kaleigh returned to her royal performace responsibilities shortly therafter.

Kaleigh received bonus points for bringing a concave to the workplace. We strongly encourage the submission/execution of all working concaves at all times. It makes your paycheck smell like wild raspberries.